What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 03:30
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
What has been your best sexual experience?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Do you as a gay male enjoy the feeling of getting a penis in your anus?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
What was your most embarrassing wardrobe malfunction in public?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Should parents force their kids to go to school when they are sick?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When do you feel most peaceful ever?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
When did you realize that your childhood was not normal?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I write beautiful poetry .
We all went to grammer schools
Why are people of mixed race seen as more attractive than non-mixed-race people?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Is it okay or problematic to be both Black and gay in society in the 21st century?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
How can I fall asleep fast at night?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
This is soul school!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Teens like me, what are your expectations when entering adulthood?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
All the time i was locked up.
What a list actors/ actresses are notorious for being jerks in real life?
She married twice! .
He knew the spot.
I was very sick at this time too.
I was 9 years of age.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I have no regrets .
I waited trembling.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But it wasn’t much.
Comes on , in middle age.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My life is so biszare .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I never cut or harmed myself..
What did i know ?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She loved him until the end.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But, we were locked up after school.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So whats the point in blame.
I was seconnd youngest,
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She found it foreign!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was in good health!
Ive learnt so much.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One cannot live in the past .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I think the readers, may guess!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was scared of men, in general
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
(And it was in our own minds.)
We were not on the streets..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Especially a lifetime of it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She wouldn,t have been !
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Put me off passion for life!!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Would this be the day?
And i lived it daily.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I don,t even have a pension.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Who then, do I blame.?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i do to all so called friends.?
He resisted the act ,that day.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My family never makes their pension either.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I said to her
Why did i forgive my father ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I will be 64.
So, i spoilt her more .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im still living with it.
It was going to be , some day.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.